Saying “Yes” when “No” Makes More Sense

Saying “Yes” when “No” Makes More Sense:

Reflections on the Children’s Partnership Exchange

by Jed Metzger

This past June, Board members Jed Metzger and Debra Fromm Faria (who are also faculty of the Greater Rochester Masters of Social Work Collaborative) took a group of nine graduate level social work students to Velikiy Novgorod to teach and learn together. This exchange was the latest in a long series of exchanges that the Linkages Partnership on Children and Families have had over the past 15 years. This one was different, for the first time; students came along and so in addition to all of the great opportunities our two cities have enjoyed, in this trip the next generation of leaders was brought together and we truly had learning going on as equals. In short, we had a most amazing trip to our sister city in Russia.  Today, five months later, I remain full of gratitude for the opportunity that was afforded to us.  This trip was a deep learning experience for me, for the students and our colleagues in Russia.  I will say that I deeply believe that going overseas helps a person learn.  If we all traveled more, there would be fewer wars. 

While there we taught to the child welfare professionals and our students together in an out of the way building that houses a program for what we call special needs children. At lunch we toured the program and were greeted by a significantly autistic 3/4 year old boy; his delight in seeing us was both startling and heartwarming.  The training went well, the best part was the Russians refusal to let there be anything but a tie in a game we played- long gone is the hostility and competition between the two people that I grew up being told to believe in.  Our schedule was packed, being the time of the White Nights there was little darkness and we were scheduled often into the early morning one way or another. One particular day called for us to finish the training at 3pm and then spend 3-5pm at a camp.  EVERYONE told us not to go; the camp is mostly out of doors. It was raining cats and dogs, but we said YES.  The trip took us almost until 5pm to get to the camp over rutted and rain soaked “Russian” roads.  We reached the camp- an old, once large mansion in the country but now rundown that had also served as a field hospital in WWII.  The camp leader was a character- large, oil drum belly, brushed eyebrows, a vintage yellow pinstriped suit, talking about himself. The staff in old, soviet-style uniforms followed his commands-- it seemed like we should have not come.

We ate, used the pit toilet and were feeling disaster was going from bad to worse when he informed us the children had a treat for us- outside in the cold wind and rain- “Are you kidding me?” we said to ourselves. Then it happened: magic and beauty.  The children came out of their cabins in the distance marching and singing, with English greetings written on their hands, smiling. They paraded for us, gave the women in our group flowers from the surrounding fields, then sang the US and Russian national anthems, invited us to their bunks and hugged us.  We were overcome, words can not describe, we have found a new partner, doing the most beautiful work with children, in an unlikely place, just when we were certain there was only disaster, how wrong we were and how lucky we were to say “yes" and let fate take us to one of real the riches of this world.

We collectively learned many things while in Russia.  So in no particular order:  We learned that hospitality is not tied to your bank account; it is tied to the way you look at others.  The Russians took their hospitality to us seriously.  The countless times that we were lavishly treated by people who have monthly incomes of around $150 (US) is staggering. To that end I will try to be a more gracious host. 

We learned that a "can do attitude" is more important than being really smart.  This is good knowledge for anyone with a PhD to know, as we are vulnerable to equating individual achievement with collective achievement, we can be appropriately proud without being self-grandiose.  We saw that there are a lot of young Russians who are ready to lead their country to greatness.  We learned that history is important, sometimes it seems that we here in the US are only interested in the next best thing, we lose a lot that way. We learned that there is almost nothing you can't make with cabbage, and make well.  I learned that the students at the GRC-MSW program who took this course are each individually and all collectively deeply impressive human beings. 

We were reminded how much laughter is the international language.  We learned that sleep is over-rated. We were reminded that being flexible is as important an attribute as any- save for perhaps kindness.  We were re-educated that children can be more resilient than they have any right to be.  Finally we learned that we have real partners in our sister city of Velikiy Novgorod.  I encourage every one of us to visit the little gem of a place that it is.